A little letting out corner…

看见身边的朋友一个一个成了家，有了小孩，或是即将成家。。。不仅有几许的惆怅。。是年龄吗？是生活使然吗？我真的做好心理准备成家定性了吗？我想也是时候了吧？遇见对的人，对的时机，谁不想有个安定属于自己的家。随着时间的流逝，命运的戏弄，我开始觉得我会有这一天吗？或许我真的不该太贪心。毕竟我身边已有太多太多能掏心的朋友。。人不能样样美满。。。或许在我的生命里，注定了爱情是很难美满的。最近开始有了新想法，也和几位朋友谈过了。。大家有些惊讶，问我是否真的衡量过了轻重。我想过了，很久很久。生命中有很多我不能控制的东西，所以我想在我能控制的范围内做一些让自己开心的决定。或许这样的决定在很多人看来是很自私很不理智的。但，这对我而言却是一种自身的圆满，人生的延续，人生的希望。如果爱情，婚姻不能在我的控制范围内，那我想最起码，这件事总在我的控制范围内吧。决定了以后，开始觉得心情开朗了许多，未来充满了希望和挑战。开始很期待那种生活的到来。。。但，在那还没到来时，我还是得继续过着现在的生活。。。唉。。。这就是人生。。。

I am a die-hard romantic. Friends who know me would definitely agree. I have all kinds of romantic notions, ideas that many would just laugh upon hearing it and tell me wake up. Life had disappoint me many times. People have hurt and disappoint me countless times. Many times I tell myself to wise up and stop dreaming. To harden the heart and stop loving. I tried and I failed. What can I say. Love is big part of who I am. I believe in marriages, believe and revered in the pledge that the couple made during the wedding. For better and for worse. Thats what true relationship and marriage is about. Two people, pledge to share their life together, take the courage to walk the rest of their together;knowing there will definitely be hurdles and obstacles to overcome; knowing there would be times they would throw their hands in the air and say hurtful things; knowing there would be times they just want to wrangle each others necks; knowing there would be days they wish they can be left alone; yet, despite all these, they know they love each other enough to want to go through all these phases, as besides these tough moments, there are too much beautiful moments to share. Moments where they wake up in the morning and finding their loved ones sleeping peacefully next to them; moments where after a long day at work, upon reaching home, they are welcomed lovingly by the one they love; moments where life throw them a curveball and they are exhausted and they are in the arms of their loved ones, supporting them and guiding them into the light; moments where they just cant wait to go home to bask in the love of their loved ones every single day…Thats for better and worse. Thats what made couples walk into a marriage, into a relationship. Thats what I respect and believe in. Thats what I want my relationship and marriage to be. Is that a dream? Many told me yes. But I refuse to accept it. I still hang on this belief. Will I ever have it:? Maybe no. Maybe yes, if i am really lucky.

Friends have ask me, since I have such clear notions of a marriage, a relationship, what is it that I look for in a man. I used to tell them, I dont know. Its hard to describe. But after many relationships, things are getting clearer. I want a guy that is kind, patient, loving, responsible, humorous, sensitive, romantic and trustworthy. He should be able to get along well with my family and friends; able to make me laugh; understand and be sensitive to my mood swings; able to have fun with me; every now and then have little surprises for me, not necessarily in the material sense, but little love notes, romantic messages,surprise outings etc; and most important, one that love me and respect me very much. He would protect me from the harsh life, offer me shelter when times at hard, let me cry on his shoulders, and never ever hurt me with lies and deceits and betrayals.

Is this alot to ask for in a man. Maybe. At least till now I am not able to find a man like this. Perhaps I might be willing to give up a few qualities, but most importantly, I want a man I can rely and depend on, a man I can love wholeheartedly and would never hurt me, a man who would not betray me and hurt me with his lies, a man that would love me till the end of time and protect me with his life. I would ask for no less as these are what I would do for him too.

Life is never simple, I know that. It throws you many curveballs and hurdles. It takes a great deal for a couple to be able to walk through life together and still love and respect each other at the end of it. I have seen old couples that still hold hands on the roads, look at each other lovingly. I have great deal of respect and admiration for them. I want to be them someday.

Relationships are never easy. Its easy to lose focus on things, to forget what bring two different people together. Thats why its always important to remember the begining. The start of the relationship. How 2 people, completely unrelated, decide to be together and share a life. Thats what I believe in. Thats what kept me going when a relationship is getting bumps along the way. I remind myself why I fall in love with the man in the beginning. I look back and remember the moments, the promises we made, the future that we wanted. Thats how I got through every hurdle. But, does he still remember all that? The dreams we once share and wanted, the promises we made together, the words once said….Am I the only one who remember all of it?

The past 2 years had been tough. I thought this year would be a better year. Turns out to be just a thought. This year had been full of challenges and lots of pain. Friends who know me well knows that I have really low self-esteem and carry heavy baggages from my past. This year, many baggages had been put down and laid to rest finally. Perhaps thats the positive thing this year had given me. As for self-esteem, still have its highs and downs. In some way, it made me realize something new about myself, my values, my strength…something new about my family and how much my friends love and cherish me. 

I realise no matter what life has thrown at me, it does not make change my character. I am always full of dreams and openess and passion. Often people had made use of my softness and trust and passion, tearing up my heart and breaking me, still, each time I cry and struggle and overcome it. The next moment I recover, I am still as trusting and naive in the same way. Perhaps thats why I am given so many precious friends to guide me through and protect me. The same quality that had allowed others to hurt me, were the same reasons that have drawn people to me. It doesnt matter what life has thrown at me, as I know at the end, I can look back at my life and have a clear conscience and have friends and family that love and care for me.

Love, relationship had always been great priority to me. I love with convictions and great passion. Its often the same one that hurts me deeply everytime. On my bad days, I blame God. Blame Him for not looking after me, for putting me through one trial after another, asking Him when is the time salvation would come. On my good days, I accept it graciously, philosophically, things happen for a reason(my favorite line from my favorite TV series, Charmed). Perhaps, everything happen do happen for a reason. Looking back at this year, it made me realise how much my family love me, how deeply loved and protective my friends are and how I have came and touch different people in the past few years.

Life’s a funny thing. Realisation is a sad thing. Love is always a good thing. The world just need more of that to make a better world.

Looking back at the posts, I realise how fast time passes..its been more than 2 years since I started my service. It had been a rather long and difficult journey..there are joys and satisfaction as well as anger and unhappiness. However, up to half a year ago, if anyone asked me if I would continue in this job after the contract is finish, I would say it depends. There’s possibility..after all, teaching a rather different job. It’s not the pay or incentives that would make one stay, it is the satisfaction knowing you had played a prt in moulding someone’s life, made a difference, recognition and appreciation from parents and pupils…its the intrinsic motivation that helps one to push on…

However, now..i am feeling rather disheartened…the possibility of staying on is rather slim…I look back at how much passion and beliefs that I had initially, and I look back at present…rather disappointing. There’s only so much that one can do…the gap between dreams and reality are so huge that it makes the journey seem rather daunting…and rather impossible…

I never hide the ambition and goal that I am aiming for the path of leadership. I want to have greater authority and influence to change the big picture…to have a go at what I believe in..I don’t think there is anything wrong with this ambition. I had work very hard these years…always bearing in mind not to shortchange my students..to give my very best. Its only natural to be expecting some kind of reward at the end…a sign to know that all the hard work is appreciated. Thats a whole load empty wishing….

This is not my path. This is not my place. I will leave this sicking place once I am free to make my choice. This is not a free will place. Unless one is willing to be a puppet and be controlled by people, one can never find a stand here. And i am not! I refuse to submit to this load of crap! I will definitely leave! This is hell! And i am stuckin it for another 18 mths! Counting down to every day! Hating it every single day!

This special entry is for a special friend who made me realise how lucky I am. I don’t many friends. However, I am a very lucky person. The friends I had are all very special people. They are all great people who treat one another with respect, care, love and more importantly, they are genuine people. They are what they are. Nothing less, nothing more. In present society, where life is stressful and difficult, sometimes, people turn out to be really hypocritical. But never my friends. And I am lucky to have found friends like them. Especially the special friend, this entry is going to.

I have known this friend for 6 to 7 years. We had always been very close and would confide in one another openly. We had our share of quarrels like any pair of friends would. But, ultimately, it only bond us closer to one another, knowing there’s nobody out there that can understand us better than each other. I always knew how special and important this friend is. But it is only today, that I realise why this special friend had came into my life.

Things had been really difficult for me lately. Very difficult. Many times, all I could do is try to lose myself in all the craziness of daily life to numb the pain. Things had finally spiral to its peak last night. I know I had to find a way to save myself before it’s too late. I knew as long as I had asked any of my friends, they would help me in any way they could. But, the first person I went to, was this special friend. Because we have a special connection. A bond. We trust each other very much and truly care and respect each other deeply. I sms this special friend last night. I told this special friend I needed a huge favor, and I hope this special friend would not probe, but just give me the help I need(if its within this special friend’s power). It wasn’t a simple and easy favor. I was prepared that I might not be able to get all the help, perhaps might have to sought the help of one more friend to solve it.

This morning, an sms came. When I open and read it, tears kept flowing. I couldn’t stop it. I was deeply touched by the sms. I broke down and cried for a really long time before I was able to reply the sms. This special friend said: "Hey dear fren, you dun have to explain anything to me. Just tell me ……" No flowery or additional words needed. The favor is done.

Up till this moment, it still made me tear upon reading the sms. Feeling really emotional. It is friends like this that stand by you and brought light to you when the world becomes cold and dark, that made you realise, there is a silver lining behind every cloud. Things happen for a reason. This is the reason why things were so dark for me these days. To open my eyes and feel for myself, that I had so many gems around. This special friend is the most precious gem I had, and I didn’t realise. Till today. It isn’t just about the favor. It is they way it was done.

I am the luckiest person in this world. As I know, I have friends who love me and trust me. Friends I could depend on and cry on. It doesn’t matter how many friends one have. Sometimes, having a special friend like this is all that one needs. And i know, I have more than one. Hence, this makes me the luckiest person in the world.

To my special friend, thank you. There are many things I am unable to express in words…but I know…there are no words needed..for he understands it…and he knows it. Take care my dearest friend…can’t wait till holiday comes where we can meet up like the good old days…..

很久很久以前，有一个小女孩。她相信童话的存在，相信总有一天心目中的白马王子会出现，带她离开所有的不美好，从此两个人能过着幸福美好的日子。没有悲伤、痛苦和伤害的日子。她一直相信这个故事，总有那么一天，所有的不快乐会成为过去，相信着现在所有的磨难是为了将来美好的日子而承受的。就这样，日复一日，年复一年，她不断地失望，不断地受伤，却还是在心里信守着这个童话。

一晃眼，二十多年就这样过了。她还是傻得可怜，一直等着心里的白马王子出现。可是白马王子从来没有出现，她只是害怕沉没，不断地抓着身边所有的浮板，以为这就是白马王子了。每一次的扑空后，她总是对自己说会变得勇敢些，不再期盼着白马王子的出现。然而，她欺骗的只是自己。一次又一次，她不断地重复着。在大海中的她很害怕，很脆弱。她只是想活着，想要被爱，想要成为心爱的人心里的公主。这么想有错吗？

经过几次的教训，她以为自己真得懂了。原来她的生命里不会有白马王子，不会有人来带她离开所有的不快乐，明白自己永远不会成为心爱的人心里的公主。她决定变得勇敢些，做自己的守护神，不再让自己受到伤害。她真的成功了吗？

刚开始的一段日子，她真的成功了。她变得疏离了，不容易亲近。她以为从此不会再有人能伤害她。不久，她以为自己百毒不亲了。她决定走出自己的牢房，为自己找寻一些快乐。知识，她没想到，快乐没找到，反而是再次让自己跌入大海中。她只有再次地抓住最接近自己的浮板。在慌乱中，她误将浮板看作白马王子。她再次让自己沉溺在假象中。只是，假象始终会破灭，梦终久会醒。

醒来时的她，还是一无所有，只是增加了几道伤痕。

童话是否已经在她心里消失了呢？想必只有她心里最清楚了。。。

原来。。。

原来怀疑过幸福，

原来不曾相信有奇迹，

原来以为从此就这样，

原来已经忘记了所有，

原来已经渐渐习惯了，

原来只想永远这般过。

原来，如果一切还是原来。。

直到，你出现。

后来幸福回来了，

后来相信始终有奇迹，

后来以为从此会这样，

后来已经忘记了过去，

后来变成一种习惯了，

后来只想一直这样过，

后来，一切又变回了原来。

因为，你走了。

原来只是梦。。

原来。。原来。。

Its the school ICT fest today! I should be feeling excited and happy since I had so much time preparing for this day. Yet, i am so sick..fever,horrible headache,bad sorethroat,giddy..god please..help me through this day…

Yesterday night was so horrible..didn’t manage to get a wink at all..can’t wait to see the doctor and get the medicine to stop all these pain..haiz…

I was in Perth the last four days. It was the most exciting and amazing trip for me. I went there alone..terrified and uncertain and excited. I was not even ready to believe that i am finally on my way there until the plane finally took off in Changi airport. It was a hell of experience for me. I had to be independent and to take care of myself since there would be noone there for me.

When i reach there finally after 5 hrs of flight, I was scared but exhilirated, can’t wait to begin the trip. However, after I got down the plane, a security guy came over to ask me questions, check my passport and visa. After some questions, I walk away with a phew….I collect my luggage and happily waited in line to leave the airport. Just when it was finally my turn to leave the checkpoint, the same security guy  came up and ask me to pull my luggage to the other side of the queue. Then, I was told to open up my luggage and all of my hand carriers as he is going to conduct a check. He took out every single thing in my luggage,open up all my little bags and finally after about 30minutes of checking, he puts everything back and then "let" me leave the airport. I was outraged of course and felt humiliated as I felt that he had did it on purpose. He had all the time to come forward and check my luggage, but he didn’t, till it was nearly my turn to checkout. Also, when he was checking, I looked around me, most people that were being checked were Asian!!! Well, that kinda explain itself huh..But like i said, i was alone, and I didn’t want to give him further excuse to keep me back, I put up with everything and said "thank you!" for finally able to leave! That certainly took a whole lot of self restraints to keep myself from bursting out! Anyway, with all the held back, I was finally able to get to the hotel. But when i reach there, it was pretty late. Shops were nearly closed and I just took a walk to the main city to get some supplies and take a look around. It was on the whole pretty nice. Cooling and relaxing…It was really some experience!

On the next two days, I venture around Perth on my own, took the railway to Frementle and Subiaco. Not too bad…pretty exciting and interesting. Frementle was the loveliest place in Perth. Though I would say quite complex..Not recommend for ladies going alone. I had a little experience  myself there. But still, back in one piece and still enjoy my time. Definitely a place I want to visit again..There are a few interesting shops there that is worth a visit.

Anyway, in one of the days I was there, i was lost one time. Got down the wrong stop, with a few heavy plastic bags in hand..the leg and arms are all aching, one of the plastic bags is already spoilt..There is no way I can take out the map from my bag with all the things, not to mention the stay is darkening, my feet is having blisters, and I am in some quiet part of the rown..I was naturally terrify, looking around for taxis and trying to recall how on earth i am going to get back to my hotel. There were very few people around for me to ask and I just had to figure my own way of getting back to my hotel. To make it worse, my hotel is kinda out of place, so in the maps, it was not indicated. A few people i asked had no idea where it is…and finally, i just had to figure my own way. I persevered on..constantly stopping and checking my location, recalling some of the locations around the hotel…finally about an hour or so, I finally got back to my hotel. At that moment, I felt so relieved and at the same time proud of myself. It is moment like this that made you strong and force you to grow up. There is no easy way out on that, as there was definitely no taxis at all, no nos that i can call for help, it was pretty much fending for myself. It is also at this moment that i realise, if I could get by at times like this, is there still a need for someone to be there for me? At difficult times, there would very much be noone there for you except yourself. You just had to be strong and trust yourself to tide you over. In the end, its only ourselves that we can trust on no matter what happens. It is only ouself that we would have till the very end of our life.

Before I leave for Perth, friends warn me countless time that it is not as exciting as it seems. They have heard so much from people who had trips alone and they absolutely hated it. I was having second thoughts as well. But in the end, i am glad i went. I enjoyed my trip greatly despite some negative incident however, i am so proud of myself. There were so many things about myself that i discover on the trip. It was like a "knowing myself" trip. I came back with more confidence and a clearer idea what i want in life. If you ask me whether I would still go on trips alone, the answer is definitely "yes"! The only 2 offsides i can think of is perhaps unable to take nice photographs and also not able to venture around at night. Other than that, I would say, a trip is alone is definitely one I enjoy.

都快一年了。我一直以为我已经痊愈了，以为自己可以把他当普通朋友一样。当朋友看见我们的相处后，她告诉我，很明显的，我并没放下对他的感情。我笑着跟她说，“你想太多了。”原来，是我在逃避。是我在自欺欺人。坦白说，自伟年之后，虽然也交过几个男朋友，可是分手后都还能放得下。原以为这一次也一样。可是，这一次，我错了。原来我真的陷得太深了。我只能怪自己太笨太傻。一开始就知道注定无法走到最后，却还没能控制住自己的感情，不停地往下陷。

他真得让我很开心，很快乐过。但，这全都是过去式了。我不可以再让自己沉浸于回忆当中。我真得很努力了。。。究竟还要多就才能真的放下呢？我不要再想！不要再想！！！！我一定要把一切都忘得干干净净！！！谢至颖，你一定要做到！一定要忘了！一定要放下！我要放下！！要放下！！要放下！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！！